WASHINGTON — In a stunning display of collective optimism, the nation’s political pundits, cable anchors, and Twitter-verified legal experts paused this week. They wondered — once again — whether this, finally, could be it.

“This,” in question, refers to the 76th major scandal involving Donald J. Trump, a man whose political survival instinct has, at this point, surpassed that of most cockroaches and Marvel franchise villains.

This time, the former president was reported to have chickened out. Experts on Sunday morning shows say this feels different — mostly because they’ve run out of synonyms for “unprecedented.”

“We’re really sensing a shift,” said one anonymous cable news producer who spoke while refreshing engagement analytics. “People are tired, angry, and most importantly, still watching.”

The editorial boards of major newspapers across the country are said to be dusting off their 2017 op-eds titled The Walls Are Closing In. They are updating them with slightly more exhausted synonyms. One piece now reads, “The drywall is vaguely narrowing.”

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill, several Republican lawmakers were asked about the scandal. They responded by suddenly remembering they left a casserole in the oven four years ago. They haven’t been back since.

Democrats, for their part, held a press conference. They announced they are “deeply concerned” and may issue a strongly worded statement pending poll results and lunch.

Cable news channels entered “BREAKING NEWS” mode for the 19th consecutive hour. Panelists convened to discuss Trump’s alleged conduct’s implications for the 2026 midterms, American democracy, and the future of decency itself.

“This is not who we are,” declared one former ethics official on a primetime roundtable. Graphics surrounded him that screamed TRUMP DOOMSDAY: DAY 2,439.

But voters appeared less moved.

“I feel like I’ve seen this one already,” said Patricia Mendez, a retired teacher in Ohio. “Wasn’t there a scandal about him doing something to a constitution or a hamburger? I lose track.”

In response, media outlets have vowed to continue relentless coverage. They will do this until either democracy is saved or everyone involved burns out, whichever comes first.

As for Trump himself, he took to his social media platform to declare the entire story “FAKE NEWS,” claiming he’s actually the victim of a conspiracy. This conspiracy is orchestrated by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, Hillary Clinton, and Rosie O’Donnell.

At press time, he was polling six points higher.